Kimberly Haynes Interview - The Final on Vinyl Podcast

What an amazing conversation I had with Kimberly Haynes discussing her deeply moving and spiritual recording Into The Light.

Keith "MuzikMan" Hannaleck

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:03

Hello everyone. This is Keith "MuzikMan " Hannaleck with the Final On Vinyl Podcast, and today we are with Kimberly Haynes, who's getting ready to introduce Into the Light, uh New Age World Fusion release coming out August 18th. Um, it's on Wise Old Albable Records, and um my review is already out there on Diane Garris's um zine New Age Notes. So um the information's out there, and we want to create some more awareness for this beautiful release that Kimberly has put out there. It touched me in a way that um is hard to explain. But here she is, Kimberly Haines.

Speaker 2 0:47

Hi, it's great to be here. Thanks for having me.

Speaker 1 0:50

Thanks for coming aboard, Kimberly. I really appreciate your time.

Speaker 2 0:54

Hmm, thank you. I I've really appreciated your review, and your email touched me so much. So yeah, it's it's great to meet.

Speaker 1 1:04

I'm glad you felt that way. Um you obviously went through some difficult times in your life and were able to express through music and your incredible voice how you felt and the process that you went to. Um maybe you could talk a little bit about that. Um I know you had lost your husband, and that was the stepping stone to this, and would love to hear a little bit more about how that all unfolded for you.

Speaker 2 1:32

Yeah, so Into the Light, the album is um is really about the space between loss and life, and um, and how we find our way to living in grief and keeping with us, you know, the love that um that still exists, right? Um and the whole arc of the album is really it didn't all come together at once in any way. Um so the first two songs were really anticipatory, like they were they're all like my prayers, really, and and they were songs that came to me as I was really deeply recognizing what was in front of me and what was gonna be happening, and what I and my sons and my husband were going to have to live through. So Grant Us Peace was, you know, started off as a mantra that I was using in my meditation practice. Um, you know, right here, right now, I'm okay, because the fear and anxiety of what was gonna come was was very overwhelming. Um and so that helped me kind of you know manage each day. And narrow bridge is kind of how I felt, like I was walking between the worlds, and I had to concentrate so deeply to you know sort of keep it together on a daily basis, or I would, you know, fall off into the abyss of fear and anxiety and depression and sadness. And um, that's the anticipatory part of you know what it's like to know that you're going to be losing your person, the one that you love, you know. Um Well. Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 1 3:23

Well, just thinking, you know, when you said going through all that, you could fall into that abyss, but it is one of the stages that you have to go through to get to the other side. And go ahead. Go ahead.

Speaker 3:37

Yes, it it it is, indeed.

Speaker 2 3:40

Go ahead.

Speaker 1 3:41

Well, I was just wondering what actually happened to your husband.

Speaker 2 3:45

Oh. Um, so my husband was diagnosed in 200 um seven with ocular melanoma. So he had a blueberry-sized tumor in his eye. Melanoma. And um it has a very bad outcome in general. So um, you know, we we knew he we knew what it what was gonna be coming. Um so um it eventually metastasized all over. And um, and so, you know, it ended up just being everywhere.

Speaker 4:28

Right.

Speaker 2 4:29

Um and I do want to speak to what you said a moment ago. Um, so what I was dealing with, right? I was I had two young kids and my husband being sick, and I had to manage all that so I couldn't allow myself to fall into the abyss, even if that is, you know, one of the things that we have to go through in grief. Like I had to manage a household and children and my husband's, you know, various states of uh unwellness, right? And get him where he needed to be. And I uh there wasn't a space for me to allow myself to fall into that until after he passed. Um and I still had to be there for the kids um and all the things, but COVID came in and you know, we went into lockdown, and actually that's really what I needed. It was really good for me. Um, because I just needed to be at home and um allow myself to go through the stages of grief.

Speaker 1 5:34

Right. That makes total sense. And you know, if you hadn't had children, it may have been a bit different for you. Having that kind of responsibility, I totally get it. You know, because I have children myself, and you give your life to them. They're number one priority, regardless of what happens to you or how you feel, right?

Speaker 2 5:54

Yes, absolutely. Indeed. Yep. And they're great people. And I'm so excited that they're on the album on that, you know, that The Lion Sleeps Tonight was one of Brian's favorite songs, and um we recorded that for him before he passed and played it for him, and the boys were you know much younger, and it's their little voices on the Wima Ways.

Speaker 1 6:19

Oh, is that right? I didn't know that. Okay.

Speaker 2 6:21

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 6:22

Well, you know, when when I I did some research on that, um, I'm always doing research and looking things up because I'm just naturally curious. And Lion The Lion Sleeps Tonight. I remember that from the 70s. I'm like, oh, it's a 70s song, but it goes back a lot further, right?

Speaker 2 6:37

Yeah, yes, it goes back a lot further. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 6:44

I'm sorry, I keep interrupting you.

Speaker 1 6:46

Go ahead.

Speaker 2 6:47

No, no, I was just gonna say, you know, Brian was just this incredibly vibrant source of energy in in his life, and that song just seemed so fitting um after, you know, after Into the Light, after the blessing of, you know, that song Into the Light on track four. Um and it was hard, you know, it was it was a hard illness. It it took a lot out of all of us, and um and even even in the sadness of of the loss and his passing and um there was that feeling of the lion sleeps finally, you know.

Speaker 1 7:34

He was a lion of a man, huh?

Speaker 2 7:36

He was, yeah, he was in his in his unique way.

Speaker 1 7:42

Oh, that's quite a tribute you've put out there for him. Uh where did you learn how to sing like that? Have you been singing since you were a little girl?

Speaker 2 7:51

I have, yeah. I've been singing since I was really young. And um Yeah, but this this this album is very different. I think the voice that's on this album has a conviction that I haven't had before.

Speaker 8:09

Oh, I see. Okay.

Speaker 2 8:11

Yeah.

Speaker 8:12

Let's talk more about that. Yes.

Speaker 2 8:15

Yeah, I mean, I just feel like this album is has is so much me. You know, my other albums are are me, but what I what I have to live through for this album to be born, you know, um, and what I had to live through for that song to be written into the light, you know, those those words that um in that in that song are not allegory. You know, they really happened. It was it, you know, it starts out the stars all gathered high up in the sky, a tear fell from the corner of your eye, then you flew away on wings of light, leaving me a trace that night. Right? That actually happened. It was like at 6 30. The first three stars were up in the sky, because it was, you know, January, so it got dark earlier. And when he took his last breath, a tear fell from his right eye. And he breathed his last breath right into my heart space because I was sitting right right there. And um and it felt that way, you know, he flew he flew away out of that um body of pain. Even though he didn't want to. He wanted to be here with me and the kids, you know. That was all he wanted. Um and what what can you say other than fly, you know, go. Um and and we love you.

Speaker 1 9:47

Wow, that's quite the story. Well, you know, I was just thinking about the circle of life and um that's kind of what you're talking about here, you know. Uh another soul leaves a body and moves on to another existence that we'll get to at some point in our lives. And what you created is gonna help countless people. So you connected all of it and the circle continues and it goes and it goes, right?

Speaker 2 10:17

May it be so. I I I pray that that that will be the case, that these songs will enrich others and support others, you know, in bearing the unbearable.

Speaker 10:31

I'm certain it will.

Speaker 2 10:33

Hmm. Thank you, Keith. Yeah. And then, you know, Mulamantra was like that the core of that song, the English words of that song were like that came about a year and a half after Brian passed, and I was just missing him and thinking about him and longing for his presence, and those words came into my right ear just like a whisper on the on the you know, the breeze of a spring morning when I was out on the deck kind of tidying up things and missing him so much. And he was like, I am not my mind, I'm not my body, I am, you know, I I'm not this human form. It was like that didn't make me want his human form any less, but it felt like reassurance that he's still with me, you know.

Speaker 1 11:29

Wow. You're fortunate to be able to experience all that. And you're open to it though. You have to be open to it, right?

Speaker 2 11:38

Yeah, yes. You you have to be open to it, you know. Um and you know, the way I experienced that that relationship with Brian, that was the beginning of the spiritual relationship that had to be developed, right? That that is now the relationship I have with him. We went from human relationship to spiritual relationship, and and that was kind of the beginning of of that um developing, hearing that from him. I felt that it was from him, you know. Um and then the enchantment was is also a part of that because I it was COVID and I would be out, you know, I live up in Topanga, very much like up and out of the city in nature, and I would walk every day, a couple times a day with the dog. And you know, I I just felt like um that song sort of was a narration of what what was happening, like I was trying to connect with with my person who had gone beyond, you know. And that there was a hole to to go beyond and go be with him, you know? Which of course I can't do until my time comes.

Speaker 1 12:55

Well, I'm sure he's waiting for you, and wherever he is, I know in my heart, I don't think time is relative there. Um there's no such no such thing. And when you get there, to him it's probably gonna seem like it was a few minutes. You know?

Speaker 13:12

Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 13:14

Here it's different, of course, but um I don't know. I don't know why I feel that way. But I just do. I just do. I have the feeling about it and what do you think?

Speaker 2 13:28

Yeah, I i it's such a mystery, isn't it? Like w what is time and the veil between life and death, you know, it's it's a great mystery. Um and so, you know, I kind of allow myself to just stay in the not knowing, and I feel Brian all around me um all the time when I tune into that. You know, a lot of times I'm just very engaged in, you know, the life that I have to take care of. Um, but when I tune into that, I can feel him, and um people have you know reached out to me, especially early on, to say, you know, that they had a dream about him and um they wanted me to know that you know something that was was conveyed to them in the dream that it was meant for me to have. And those were very meaningful moments that you know maybe life and death are not as separated as we think they are, you know.

Speaker 1 14:31

Well, dreams are significant, I think, too. I think that's our connection to the unknown, the ether, what we don't really understand until we get there. Um I've had I have had some dreams that seem so real and actually had out-of-body experiences before.

Speaker 14:49

Wow.

Speaker 1 14:50

Very rare, but it's happened. And um yeah, I had some crazy things happen to me that have convinced me that you know there is life beyond this existence. And I just uh like I had you know intimated earlier that I'm very curious. It's like I want to know now. Um go there, right?

Speaker 2 15:13

Yeah, for sure. I mean, I read yeah, I read a lot of books and listened to a lot of books, you know, during those first few years on you know life life life after death experiences and you know, all this kind of stuff because I was, you know, really trying to connect with him and understand and be comforted, you know. So I get it. I want to know too. But now, you know, it's been it's time is is going by and um and as time has has gone by, I you know, I have had to, you know, accept that I that I don't I don't fully know and I can't fully know until I get there. But like I wrote in Into the Light, I I know that he'll be there when I it comes my time. I know he'll be there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 16:05

Sounds to me like you're in a good place right now. And you know, think about what it would be like for you if you hadn't have done this project. You know, I think you just like took some leaps and bounds into the you know?

Speaker 2 16:19

Oh my gosh. I mean, I really thought for you know, a lot of the time that this was never gonna come to fruition because it was hard, Keith. Like, you know, everything fell on my shoulders. And Brian, Brian pulled his weight in this marriage, in this family. And so without him, it it was really a lot. And so to be able to find space to make an album and not just make an album, but also do all the background work, you know, of getting it out there, getting it ready to be heard. Um, it's just a it was a lot. So I'm very proud of it. And I'm so, you know, Brian at one time asked me to write him a song before he died, and that was how Into the Light came to be. But ultimately, I made him an album. And and that's the that's the art that came out of the love that we shared.

Speaker 1 17:20

Did he share anything with you? Like, did did he feel that what happened to him uh was a manifestation of anything, that maybe because it was an eyesight thing that there was something that he wasn't seeing?

Speaker 2 17:34

You know, I no, it in fact he pushed back on that pretty hard.

unknown 17:39

Yeah.

Speaker 17:40

Did he?

Speaker 2 17:40

Because, you know, bad things happen to good people and not because of it you know, he he didn't believe that, you know, bad things happen to good people as a manifestation of, you know, something he didn't want to see. Like, you know, he he faced himself in this life and we all die, you know. And he lived a lot longer with that disease than many people do.

Speaker 1 18:07

Well, that says something too.

Speaker 2 18:10

Yeah, he had a he had a force of will, boy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 18:16

Well, it sounds like you do too.

Speaker 2 18:20

Yeah. Maybe I do.

Speaker 1 18:24

Oh, you do. You wouldn't have been able to do what you did. I mean, I tell you, when I heard his voice, uh, I'm like, oh my god, how did this woman do this? I am I am my prayer. That song, like I said in my review, it it brought me to tears, and uh I just I couldn't I couldn't hold it in, I just let it out and it was like wow. Wow it was a trigger, you know. I mean music is a trigger for different emotions, but but this was different because I know what this album meant to you and what it was about, um, and you know, going into it and listening to each track that way and just feeling it and listening to the music and listening to you sing. It was like, whoa, what's going on here? Uh I don't feel that kind of impact usually.

Speaker 2 19:22

Wow. I'm I'm so um honored to know that my work has touched your heart in that way, Keith. And that song, I'm so glad that you pointed it out because that is a pivotal song. I mean, that was I really did you know, I I had an ex existential crisis in all of this. Like, you know, my my spiritual practice, my belief in the you know, goodness of life and the goodness of the creator. I mean, all of that was deeply challenged for, you know, it's been hard. And and so what that became is like, I'm okay, I'm not praying. I am my prayer. Every time I bring you your food, every time I help you to the bathroom, every time I bring you your medication, every time I, you know, put some water to your lips, I am being that prayer for you.

Speaker 20:20

You know, that's where that song came from.

Speaker 1 20:24

Wow. I think also I I should tell you that um just about four years ago, I I almost died of sepsis myself. And uh I I went through a lot and I came back and why it just triggered that along with a few other things, um was the fact that uh I guess the way I thought was I was afraid of dying because of who I was leaving behind. I was worried about them. And you know, you put it in proper perspective, it was like everything all of a sudden it was on you. You have to take care of the kids. You tried to make life normal for them even though it wasn't, and you were taking care of him and you knew what was gonna happen. Uh that's the w the weight of the world on your shoulders, just pressing down and pressing down, and you somehow broke free of that and were able to move forward and create this amazing project. So I'm very honored to be speaking to you about this today. I've enjoyed our conversation so much and your music and your work. And um I hope that in the future, if you make any music that uh we can talk again.

Speaker 2 21:39

I'd love that. This has been such um a really wonderful experience of talking to you, Keith. And thank you for sharing with me your your life stories too. Um it just is it means so much to have you know a depth conversation. So thank you for this. I really have enjoyed it.

Speaker 1 21:57

I have as well, Kimberly. You take care.

Speaker 2 22:00

You too. Bye bye. Bye bye.